How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused?

You may not be completely certain if violence is taking place. Shame, secrecy and control can all work together in a domestic violence situation to keep a victim from asking for help. She or her children may be in very real danger if she speaks up; she may also be trying to deny the abuse is taking place. You may be afraid that you’re wrong or if you’re not, and unable to impact the situation, you worry things will only get worse. 

Even if you are sure that violence is taking place, you may not be sure how to proceed, even if someone does ask for your help. You may have your own feelings about the situation or fear getting involved. 

Probably one of the biggest questions people ask is why a woman stays in a battering situation. However, this question only places more blame on the victim. The appropriate question is “why does someone batter?” Many victims try and try valiantly to get out of their situations but may be unsuccessful for a wide variety of reasons that include fear, lack of support, resources and money, children, feelings of guilt, personal beliefs, love for their partner as well as the debilitating impact of the violence itself. 

Here are some suggestions of ways you can help:

• Believe your friend.  Listen to what she says and let her take her time to tell you what happened.
• Don’t blame her for the abuse.
• Help her make safety plans. Help her find a safe place to go, or a place to store money and important documents.
• Let her make her own decisions about how to keep herself safe.  Help her find resources and options in your community or elsewhere.
• Find local domestic violence programs to help find options and resources.